Monday, October 30, 2006

One liners(R)

• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-Scott E. Roeben

• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

-S. J. Perelman

• Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
-Adrienne Gusoff

• I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that.
-Scott E. Roeben

• I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush.
-Scott E. Roeben

• I guess you could call me a polygamist. Sometimes I switch hands.
-Scott E. Roeben

• A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.
-Masters and Johnson

• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
-Alex comfort

• A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
-Francoise Sagan

• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
-Emo Philips

• Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. -William Shakespeare

• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-Joan Rivers

• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
-Emo Philips

• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
-Cary Grant

• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
~Gloria Leonard

• A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.
-Redd Foxx

• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein

• I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.
-Mariella Frostrup

• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
-Ronald Knox

• Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
-Yul Brynner

• It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-Tallulah Bankhead

• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
-Garry Shandling

• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. -Chauncey Mitchell Depew

• It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
-Alexandre Dumas

• The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
-Margaret Smith

• Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.

• Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
-Bob Rubin

• We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. -Arthur Hoppe

Success Quotes

Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket.

Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time.

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.

The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

A great leader's courage to fulfill his vision comes from passion, not position.

Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.

If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Success is focusing the full power of all you are on what you have a burning desire to achieve.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
~Albert Einstein

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good. ~Joe Paterno

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.
~Author Unknown

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
~Woody Allen

As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building.
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.
~M.H. Alderson

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill

What is success? It is a toy balloon among children armed with pins.
~Gene Fowler

We never know, believe me, when we have succeeded best.
~Miguel de Unamuno, Essays and Soliloquies, 1925 Sometimes

I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
~Lily Tomlin

I couldn't wait for success... so I went ahead without it.
~Jonathan Winters

There is no point at which you can say, "Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap." ~Carrie Fisher

Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
~David Frost

Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it.
~Author Unknown

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time.
~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book I dread success.

To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
~George Bernard Shaw, 28 August 1896

Those who have succeeded at anything and don't mention luck are kidding themselves.
~Larry King

Success has made failures of many men.
~Cindy Adams

Some aspects of success seem rather silly as death approaches.
~Donald A. Miller

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
~Author Unknown

Religious Quotes

Christianity started out in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise.
~Sam Pascoe, American scholar.

Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.
-- Francis of Assisi.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-- Paul, Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

Christianity is not a religion; it is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
~Anonymous posting to a Christian mailing list.

The world is equally shocked at hearing Christianity criticized and seeing it practiced.
~Elton Trueblood, (1900 - 1994), American author and theologian.

Many people think that the Bible is the authentic word of God and they worship the Bible, making it an idol...
-- Alan Watts, from "The Essence of Alan Watts series - GOD.

"Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural & spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity"
-- A widely cited, but spurious quotation attributed to Albert Einstein

"The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."

"If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion." ~Lin-Chi.

"Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.” ~Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh.

Old Sayings

A whistling girl and a crowing hen always come to some bad end.

Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive

If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it.

I refuse to tip toe cautiously thru life only to arrive safely at deaths door.

Cry when you need to, laugh when you can.

Either way the sun comes up tomorrow on a new day.

That in which is striking and beautiful, is not always beautiful, but that which is good is always beautiful.

I don't try to explain to people why I ride a Motorcycle.

For those who have experienced the joy no explanation is necessary.

For those who haven't, no explanation is possible.

It is better to be a little lonely than to be a whole lot miserable.

Come home early, nothing good ever happens after midnight.

When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to".

Never own ANYTHING you aren't willing to drill a hole in.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise.

The press will shape your opinion if you don't keep yourself informed.

God doesn't necessarily call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

Never give up a true friend, they will stay till the end.

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Light travels faster than sound, this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Your enemies can hurt you, but only your fear defeats you! Only those who risk going too far will ever know how far they can go.

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.

Only those who attempt the absurd will acheive the impossible.

From a redneck: Ever day za gamble, I figger if I wake up in the morning I'm ahead.

Anyone who has'nt got a little bit of a temper is not worth killing.

The problem with management is that they can't see the people thru the ties.

We sometimes feel that what we do is just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

Kindness costs nothing, but pays big dividends.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a lot easier than putting it back in.

The hardest part of raising your child is the same as teaching them to ride a bike. It's letting them go.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

There's two theories about arguing with a woman, neither one works.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

Things are not always what they seem, A stopped clock is right twice a day!

There are three kinds of men. The one who learns by reading. There's a few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Before you were born your parents were not as boring as they are now.

They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are.

So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try cleaning the closet in your room.

If something sounds too good to be true it is probably false.

It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.

A person who has never made a mistake has never done anything.

Think about it, we learn most of what we know from mistakes, if we get burned, cut, bruised, scraped, or a knot put on our head we don't do it that way again.

Good judgment comes from experience, unfortunately experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Any country that accepts abortion, is not teaching its people to love, but to use any violence to get what it wants.

Hug a teacher today, if it wasn't for them you would not be reading this.

Never ASSUME anything, it makes an ASS of U and ME People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Just wondering...

Why do you suppose the Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

Downfall usually comes from within.

It is very troubling to me that doctors have a "practice". Be nice to nerds.

You will probably work for one someday.

"640 K of memory should be enough memory for anyone".

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.

No one has to know what you paid for it.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. Never say never! You are what you eat.

"Computers of the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons"

I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion.

There is nothing new...about old sayings.

If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

Inspirational Quotes

Plan your work and work your plan.
-Napolean Hill

Inspiration may be a form of super-consciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness -- I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self-consciousness. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley

The greatest inspiration is often born of desperation. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you.
-Barbara Sher

There never was a great soul that did not have some divine inspiration. There are two primary choices in life to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
-Dr. Denis Waitley

When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best -- that is inspiration. Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryan

The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web. The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.
-Theodore Rubin

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

Your most valuable asset can be your willingness to persist longer than anyone else.
-Brian Tracy

Destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryant

Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience. To achieve something you've never achieved before, you must become someone you've never been before.
-Bria Tracy

The secret of happiness is not doing what one likes, but liking what one has to do.
-James M. Burrie

We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow.
~Woodrow Wilson

The older I grow, the more I listen to people who don't say much.
-Germain G. Glidden

I do not ask for any crown but that which all may win; nor try to conquer any world except the one within
-Louisa May Alcott

I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back.
-Philip Brookes

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.
-Aldous Leonard

Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down.
-William M. Winans

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
-T. S. Eliot

Anger blows out the candle of the mind.
-R. G. Ingersoll

Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself.
~Alfred Sheinwold

Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.
-General George S. Patton

You never fail until you stop trying.
-Florence Griffith Joyner

The greatest mistake you can make in this life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-Elbert Hubbard

Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be.
-Jose Ortega y Gasset

Avoid competency traps. Do not stay only where you are good at things, Go out and be challenged.
-Andrew Creighton

Remember that you are needed. There is at least one important work to be done that will not be done unless you do it.
-Charles L. Allen

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.
-Evan Esar

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
~Pete Seeger

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody.
-Herbert Bayard Swope

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
-Leon J. Suenes

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
~Rita Mae Brown

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.
-Ralph Blum

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sarcastic/Witty Quotes

» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» It's a catastrophic success.

» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

» The 100% American is 99% idiot.

» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

» He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce

» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

Age Quotes

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you.

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I grow more intense as I age.

About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.

A young man is embarrassed to question an older one.

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.

Though it sounds absurd, it is true to say I felt younger at sixty than I felt at twenty.

Young men's minds are always changeable, but when an old man is concerned in a matter, he looks both before and after.

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

Age does not protect you from love, but love to some extent protects you from age.

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.

With age come the inner, the higher life. Who would be forever young, to dwell always in externals ?

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Funny Epitaphs

Here lies, All cold and hard,

The last damn dog,

That pooped in my yard!


It was a Cough

That carried him Off

It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In


On an attorney’s tombstone:

Goembel John E.

1867-1946 "The defense rests"


Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me For not rising.

Ruidoso, New Mexico


Jedediah Goodwin Auctioneer

Born 1828 Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1876

* * *

Bill Blake

Was hanged by mistake.

* * *

Here lays Butch.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

* * *

Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.

We made the mistake, But the joke's on him.

* * *

He called Bill Smith A Liar

* * *


Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!

Life in a vacuum sucks

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?


Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Conserve energy... fart in a jar

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!

Answering Machine

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep

"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."

I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply

"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Responses to Pickup Lines

He: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
She: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

He: "Is this seat empty?"
She: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

He: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

She: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

He: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

She: "It's in the phone book."
He: "But I don't know your name."
She: "That's in the phone book too."

HE: "What sign were you born under?"

SHE: "No Parking."

He: "I know how to please a woman."

She: "Then please leave me alone."

He: "Haven't we met before?"

She: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

He: "I want to give myself to you."

She: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "I can tell that you want me."

She: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

He: "Hey, baby, What's your sign?"

She: "Stop."

He: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

She: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

He: "May I see you pretty soon?"

She: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

He: "Your body is like a temple."

She"Sorry, there are no services today."

He: "I'd go through anything for you."

She: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

He: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

She: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

He: "Your place or mine?"
She: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"

say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?

She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?

She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?

A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?

A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.

A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?

A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

He: "You look like a dream."

Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

He: "I can see forever in your eyes."

Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

He: "I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."

Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"]
... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

Alcohol Sayings

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-Henny Youngman

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
-Brian O'Rourke


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
-Homer Simpson

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
-Frank Sinatra

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
-Abraham Lincoln

One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry

Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
-Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
-John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

He was a wise man who invented beer.

This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
-Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck

"Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been taking it for years."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemmingway

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-Humprey Bogart

"I got thrown out of Alcoholics because when the other clients saw me they thought they were having the DT's"
-Dave Dutton

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
-Oscar Wilde

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
-Mark Twain

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?" -Denis Leary

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend !!!!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

There is a devil in every berry of the grape.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I drink to forget I drink.

The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The whole world is about three drinks behind.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Famous Last Words

Noo these windows are ok to lean on.

Don’t worry it has airbags.

Hey what’s that buzzing noise?

Don’t worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn’t bite?

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Love Quotes

If i could be anything i would like to be ur tears
so i could born in ur eyes and die in ur lips

In the end we always return to the people
who were there from the b.e.g.i.n.n.i.n.g

When people lauugh and ask me what I see in you..
I laugh and tell them everything you dont.

Is it you I want or just the notion of a heart to wrap around
so I can find my way around.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
~ Sam Keen

Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

May no gift be too small to give,
nor too simple to receive,
which is wrapped in thoughtfulness
and tied with love.
~ L.O. Baird

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.
~ Robert Browning

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love.
~ Henry Drummond

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low.
~ Henry Ward Beecher

Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~ Franklin P. Jones

All love that has not friendship for its base,
is like a mansion built upon the sand.
~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Wisdom Quotes

"........all the missions in the world ,
all the tasks are performed by good speakers rather then
good writers...."

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
~Theodore Roosevolt

You can have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power.
~Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
~Audre Lorde

Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical.
~Blaise Pascal

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.
~Dianne Feinstein

You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.
~Harriet Woods

You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.
~Marian Wright Edelman

Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it -- but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
~Peter F. Drucker

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
~Abraham Lincoln

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
~Albert Einstein

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.
~Albert Schweitzer

Funny Quotes

"Crazy is a relative term in my family!"

"Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off. "

"Caution, Blind Man Driving. "

"All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.Have a nice day! "

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. "

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. "

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! "

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. "

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. "

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. "

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. "

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. "

"OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. "

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. "

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. "

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. "

"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. "

"I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. "

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. "

My mechanic told me,"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. "

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. "

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. "

"Don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"

"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough "

"Smile, and the world will smile with you.
Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs. "

"I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life. "

"Where there's a will, there's a way.And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

"The Earth Is Full - Go Home. "

"So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. "

"Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. "

"Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. "

"Illiterate? Write For Help "

"You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! "

"Fight Crime: Shoot Back! "

"Boldly Going Nowhere. "

"Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. "

"Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. "


"All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. "


"Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do "

"Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas. "

"Don't regret doing things, regret getting caught "

"None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all "

"Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE "

"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

"There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day. "

"The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless."

"Love is like heaven but hurts like hell."

"Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".

"You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try."
- Homer J. Simpson.

"Is tuna really Chicken?"
- Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"

"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous"

"I'll kill you until you die!!"

"They misunderestimated me!"
-George W. Bush"

"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."

"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"

"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

"I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight"

"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!"

"Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome"

"Consciousness- that annoying time between naps"

"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind
that another man looking at her ass"

"It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... "

"Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster"

Famous Quotes

"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk"
-Stephen King

"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood".
-Oscar Wilde

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
- Bob Hope

"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways."
- William Shakespeare

"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value."
- Albert Einstein

"Don't be so humble, you're not that great".
- Golda Meir

"Boredom is a great motivator."
- Uma Thurman

If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
~Yiddish proverb

The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.

No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
~Daisy Bates (1863-1951)

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
~James R. Cook

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
~Anatole France [Jacques Anatole Thibault] (1844-1924)

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
~Eric Hoffer (1902-1983)

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
~Walter Lippmann (1889-1974)

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
~Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
~Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
~Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
~Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
~Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
~Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)

A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
~Dean Acheson

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
~Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
~George Eliot [Mary Ann Evans] (1819-1880)

What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
~Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu (1689-1775)

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
~Thomas Neill

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
~Plato (429-347 BC)

The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
~Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
~George Santayana (1863-1952)

I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
~John Cage (1912-1992)

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
~Napoleon Bonaparte

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
~Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

Movie Quotes

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
-- Groucho Marx (Duck Soup)

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
-- Steve Martin (Bilko)

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
-- Bill Murray (What about Bob)

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
-- Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
-- Jim Carrey

Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherf**cker.
-- Robin Williams (Death to Shmoochy)

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
-- Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly!
-- Eddie Murphy (Shrek)

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
~ Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen) in "Love and Death"

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
~ Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner) in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"

Old age. It's the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don't look forward to being cured of.
~ Bernstein (Everett Sloane) in "Citizen Kane"Scarecrow

(Ray Bolger): I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy (Judy Garland): How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.
~ "Wizard of Oz "

Reporter: Tell me, how did you find America?
John Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.
~ "A Hard Day's Night"

Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
~ President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in "Dr. Strangelove"

Clarice (Jody Foster): If you didn't kill him, then who did, sir?
Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): Who can say? Best thing for him, really. His therapy was going nowhere.
~ "Silence of the Lambs"

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
~ Groucho in "Duck Soup"

Life Quotes

The great business of life is to be, to do, to do without, and to depart.
~John, Viscount Morley, Address on Aphorisms

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. ~Erich Fromm

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
~Cary Grant

To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach.
~Havelock Ellis

Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another.
~Author Unknown

My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.
~Louis Adamic

No man lives without jostling and being jostled; in all ways he has to elbow himself through the world, giving and receiving offence.
~Thomas Carlyle, Sir Walter Scott, in London and Westminster Review, 12 November 1838

Don't think of retiring from the world until the world will be sorry that you retire. I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drive into a corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come out as I do, and bark.
~Samuel Johnson

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: "I am with you kid. Let's go." ~Maya Angelou

Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Why torture yourself when life'll do it for you?
~Author Unknown

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
~George Bernard Shaw, The Doctor's Dilemma, 1906

Puritans will never believe it, but life is full of disagreeable things that aren't even good for you. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

'Tis all a chequer board of nights and days,
Where destiny with men for pieces plays;
Hither and thither, and mates, and slays.
~Edward Fitzgerald, The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyám, 1859

You cannot discover the purpose of life by asking someone else - the only way you'll ever get the right answer is by asking yourself.
~Terri Guillemets

...the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
~Walt Whitman, "O Me! O Life!", Leaves of Grass

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

Life is the game that must be played.
~Edwin Arlington Robinson

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
~Albert Camus

There is no wealth but life.
~John Ruskin

I know what things are good: friendship and work and conversation. These I shall have. ~Rupert Brooke

Life will always remain a gamble, with prizes sometimes for the imprudent, and blanks so often to the wise.
~Jerome K. Jerome

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
~Henry David Thoreau

Eating, loving, singing and digesting are, in truth, the four acts of the comic opera known as life, and they pass like bubbles of a bottle of champagne. Whoever lets them break without having enjoyed them is a complete fool.
~Gioacchino Rossini

We mourn the transitory things and fret under the yoke of the immutable ones.
~Paul Eldridge

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.
~T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Life was a damned muddle - a football game with everyone offside and the referee gotten rid of - everyone claiming the referee would have been on his side.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
~Anton Chekhov

Following straight lines shortens distances, and also life.
~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Life is so largely controlled by chance that its conduct can be but a perpetual improvisation. ~W. Somerset Maugham

I count life just a stuff
To try the soul's strength on.
~Robert Browning

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Life is an incurable Disease.
~Abraham Cowley

Human life is purely a matter of deciding what's important to you.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.
~Albert Camus

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination. ~Christopher Isherwood

The only way to have a life is to commit to it like crazy.
~Angelina Jolie

Life is a compromise of what your ego wants to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.
~Bruce Crampton

Life is a mixed blessing, which we vainly try to unmix.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

In masks outrageous and austere
The years go by in single file;
But none has merited my fear,
And none has quite escaped my smile.
~Elinor Hoyt Wylie, Let No Charitable Hope

The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.
~Thomas Carlyle

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
~Havelock Ellis

Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.
~Joseph Addison

We tear life out of life to use it for looking at itself.
~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

[Psychoanalysis] is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.
~Karen Horney, Our Inner Conflicts, 1945

Give us Lord, a bit o' sun,
A bit o' work and a bit o' fun;
Give us all in the struggle and sputter
Our daily bread and a bit o' butter.
~From an inn in Lancaster, England

The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.
~Heywood Broun

He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for.
~Moroccan Proverb

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. ~Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum

God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only question is how.
~Henry Ward Beecher

Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied.
~Douglas Adams

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?
~George Bernard Shaw

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
~Robert Frost

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
~Charles Schulz

There is no finish line.
~Nike advertisement

It may be life is only worthwhile at moments. Perhaps that is all we ought to expect. ~Sherwood Anderson

I sit astride life like a bad rider on a horse. I only owe it to the horse's good nature that I am not thrown off at this very moment.
~Ludwig Wittgenstein

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain.
~Thomas Jefferson

Serenity of spirit and turbulence of action should make up the sum of a man's life.
~Vita Sackville-West

Life is one big judgment call.
~Terri Guillemets

The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century.
~William Lyon Phelps

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
~Charlie Brown

The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
~Fred Allen

Not unfortunately the universe is wild - game-flavoured as a hawk's wing.
~B.P. Blood

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
~Douglas Adams

Everything which is properly business we must keep carefully separate from life. Business requires earnestness and method; life must have a freed handling.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is made up of constant calls to action, and we seldom have time for more than hastily contrived answers.
~Learned Hand

The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched.
~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Life is the sum of all your choices.
~Albert Camus

Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, where X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut.
~Albert Einstein

I gave my life to learning how to live.
Now that I have organized it all...
It is just about over.
~Sandra Hochman

There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.
~Anaïs Nin

[P]erhaps nothing 'ud be a lesson to us if it didn't come too late. It's well we should feel as life's a reckoning we can't make twice over; there's no real making amends in this world, any more nor you can mend a wrong subtraction by doing your addition right.
~George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), Adam Bede

Only a few things are really important.
~Marie Dressler

We are like people with short-term leases on summer cottages; we can never seem to make our provisions come out even with our stay.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.
~Henry Miller

Life is like eating artichokes; you have got to go through so much to get so little.
~Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth.
~Martin H. Fischer

Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
~Woody Allen, "My Speech to the Graduates," Side Effects, 1980

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance.
~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Few of us write great novels; all of us live them.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out.
~Danny Orton and Blair Daly, "Stand"

If you stop struggling, then you stop life.
~Huey Newton

Sometimes questions are more important than answers.
~Nancy Willard, quoted in The Meaning of Life, compiled by Hugh S. Moorhead

It is while you are patiently toiling at the little tasks of life that the meaning and shape of the great whole of life dawn on you.
~Phillips Brooks

How beautiful and ugly is this world,
producer of patchwork hearts -
torn by civilized days,
mended in nature and solitude -
some weaker at the seams than others.
~Terri Guillemets

There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life.
~William Lyon Phelps

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.
~David Lodge, The British Museum Is Falling Down, 1965

If a man in the morning hear the right way, he may die in the evening without regret. ~Confucius

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and there is a 100% mortality rate.
~R.D. Laing

Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give us meaning.

Many of us are equal to life's emergencies who cannot bear its day-after-dayness.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Life is like an onion; you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it. ~James Gibbons Huneker

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
~Ogden Nash

I do like a little bit of butter to my bread.
~A.A. Milne, When We Were Very Young

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.
~Henry Van Dyke

People find it hard to be both comic and serious, though life manages it easily enough.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Life is a long lesson in humility.
~James M. Barrie

In life, as in restaurants, we swallow a lot of indigestible stuff just because it comes with the dinner.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Life seems nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings."
~From the movie Mansfield Park

Reason and justice tell me there's more love for humanity in electricity and steam than in chastity and vegetarianism.
~Anton Chekhov

To live is like to love - all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.
~Samuel Butler

Life is easier than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.
~Kathleen Norris

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
~Mark Twain

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
~Hans Christian Anderson

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
~Erma Bombeck

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
~Robert Byrne

The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth.
~Chinese Proverb

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
~Elwyn Brooks White

Life is simple, its just not easy.
~Author Unknown

A life without cause is a life without effect.

Jack Palance: "Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit."
Billy Crystal: "Yeah, but what's that one thing?"
Jack Palance: "That's what you've got to figure out."
~From the movie City Slickers

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
~Jack Handey

Life is a foreign language: all men mispronounce it.
~Christopher Morley, Thunder on the Left

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~Robert Frost, "Cluster of Faith," 1962

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
~Kathy Norris

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
~Emily Dickinson

Yes, I will try to be. Because I believe that not being is arrogant.
~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
~Ashleigh Brilliant

I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
~Quentin Crisp

As we struggle to make sense of things, life looks on in repose.
~Author Unknown

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.
~Charles Schulz

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.
~Arthur Miller

Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.
~Marion Howard

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
~Author Unknown

You can't escape history, or the needs and neuroses you've picked up like layers and layers of tartar on your teeth. ~Charles Johnson

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
~Danny Kaye

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. ~Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.
~Lillian Dickson

We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse.
~Author Unknown

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
~Author Unknown

Life is a cement trampoline.
~Howard Nordberg

To preserve a man alive in the midst of so many chances and hostilities, is as great a miracle as to create him.
~Jeremy Taylor

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

God pours life into death and death into life without a drop being spilled.
~Author Unknown

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
~Grandma Moses