Monday, October 30, 2006

Sarcastic/Witty Quotes

» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant


» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman


» It's a catastrophic success.


» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop


» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban


» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.


» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.


» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx


» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa


» The 100% American is 99% idiot.


» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw


» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde


» He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge


I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain


» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow


» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce


» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

94 comments:

ashish said...

I always wished to marry, but every day i slept with different women.

Melvin Perez said...

Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to weave webs"

Anonymous said...

what are you gonna do about it bush scrath your arm pits and eat bananas?

Louisa Marie said...

I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

Anonymous said...

There are times when I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I'm sober

Anonymous said...

i thought i had lost my mind.... and then i found you... and realised i always had them, until then...

Gagan said...

A baLANceD DIet! iS a bEER iN eACH haND :)

Anonymous said...

If you call that hard work, a koala’s life would look heroic.

Anonymous said...

men are like parking spaces the good ones are gone the rest are handicapps

Anonymous said...

Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

Don't be so humble, you are not that great.

Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut.

Anonymous said...

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

fiendishcat said...

Your boyfriend may be obese, stupid and have a memory like a sieve, but he does have his wise moments once a year.

Ray Coon said...

I got hit by an on coming parked car.

truewit said...

if it wasn't for your butt plug, i wouldn't hear a word you said

Anonymous said...

if it wasn't for your butt plug, i wouldn't hear a word you said

Anonymous said...

make sure to take your viagra with poppers ... u will die from pleasure

Anonymous said...

it's not that you are not attracted to me; it's that you are impotent

Anonymous said...

you weren't hit by a truck; you are just ugly

Anonymous said...

Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired

Anonymous said...

never argue with an idiot they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to animals week.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to animals week.

Anonymous said...

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, remember to leave a little something for yourself.

Aneesh said...

if at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried

Aneesh said...

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

Alvin Tham said...

If you can't dance, don't blame it on the dance floor

Anonymous said...

Life is a bitch and we are its puppies.........

Anonymous said...

Men are Toilets. Either they are taken or full of crap. ~ariadne y.

Wit Master said...

Suicide is your way to tell God, "you can't fire me, I Quit!"

vinmurphu said...

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Anonymous said...

If you can't win, make your opponents lose

Anonymous said...

life's like a wet towel, you can't dry off, and if you let someone get a hold of it. let the whippings commence

Babar said...

Contrary to popular belief, God's surname is not damnit!

vern said...

life's not full of miracles but merely accidents.

Grace Shin said...

If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.

Anonymous said...

Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you. Talk shit makes me famous with your lies!!

Anonymous said...

4/3 americans have trouble with fractions.

Anonymous said...

Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

ellorose7 said...

man:"art is stupid and pointless what good does it do anyways?"
woman: "really so every form of art is stupid an pointless to you even the form of art that constructed the building you sit in at this very moment?"
man: ((blankly stares at the woman))
woman:"architectural work is considered a form of art"
man:"no its not, your a lieing spitful bitch"
woman:" i have three things to say to you and you had better listen up, nuber one profanity broves stupidity and arogance only displays ignorance, number two, yeah ok i know i radiate bitch but guess what thats still better than what you've got to give cause at least i can get somwhere with it. number three do yourself a favor and find yourself a hobby that doesnt envolve making a fool of yourself."

Anonymous said...

i called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse


Cats have nine lives, but mess with me and yooll have none

I may be a cutie, but mess with me and ill kick your bootie

Anonymous said...

Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway..

Secretaria said...

"You know what they say, what doesn't kill you..."
'Leaves you maimed, depressed and with and incredibly large debt to the hospital?'

vivek said...

"success has many fathers,failure has none."......
then who wants to be a bastard?

vivek said...

it is easy to get forgiveness than permission....

/eat well,stay fit..die anyway!!!

.frnds may come n go....enemies accumulate!!


/if u kill everybody hu hates me,it wont b murder,it wud b a apocalypse

Anonymous said...

Its better to be lazy than waste your time getting tired :D

Anonymous said...

buy the cupcake, and forever wish you hadn't
or
don't buy the cupcake, and forever wish you had

Anonymous said...

Puppies are to Dogs as men are to women

Anonymous said...

madness takes its toll, please keep exact change.

your love for all life is like candy, sweet, childish and eventually sickening.

Manny said...

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn

Anonymous said...

Most people never hear the full saying made popular in the late 80's "It takes a whole village to raise a child" , "but it only takes one child to RAZE the whole village"

Kathryn-anne9636 said...

People like YOU, are the reason why people like ME, need MEDICATION

Anonymous said...

im not sure what makes you stupider your brain or what comes out of your mouth.

Dan said...

You were meant for me... Perhaps as a punishment

Dan said...

The early worm is for the birds

aradhana said...

Lust is easy, Love is hard..

Anonymous said...

Attack Life! Coz its gonna kill u anyway

Dennis said...

You've got a point there...wear a hat and no one will notice!

Princess said...

Life's a bitch... then you become one!

Princess said...

I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumours to spread and people to argue with!

Anonymous said...

You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator...

James said...

The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese!

Argelcabatbat said...

there is no business like no business..

Anonymous said...

When God put teeth into your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole.

Laurel said...

I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead.

Laurel said...

The quietest place on Earth: The Complaints Department for Faulty Parachutes

Anonymous said...

i doubt therefore i may be...

theres no I in TEAM theres a ME though if you jumble it up a little

i dont know why but you must confuse me with someone who cares...

i dont ask why people lie...i just assume they do

You're an Idiot

Do i get bonus points if i act like i care??

Thats Absurd...i love it

Thats not news...thats olds

Follow him...he speaks in sentences

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

nitin said...

heyyy..!!!
you are mind blowing really..
now get a little down...!!!!!

nitin said...

i don't smoke,
while i drink...!!!

crazyLIKEme said...

I'm so cute I shit kittens!!!

Life on Earth might be expensive, but it does includes trip around the Sun!!!

Lavan said...

if you think that i'm a fool then you are my inspiration...

Stephen said...

A true failer... even fails at killing themselves...

I would love to inspire you with my knowledge but your so arragant I don't think you would get it...

You smell... give it time it will eventually wear you down and make you paranoid and wash three times a day, just like me.

There are thousands of deaths a year from car accident and only a few hundred from drink driving... So be safe and be sure to heavely drink before you go home.

Alex said...

Friendship is like peein' every1 can see it.....but only u get the warm feelin it givez!!


If i had 2 choose between breathin nd lovin u i would choose......... BREATHIN DUHHH!!!! [LOL]

Anonymous said...

It is better to be a smart ass rather than a dumbass.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, did you say something? I was too busy ignoring you.

Anonymous said...

I just saved 15% or more by fleeing the scene of the accident.

pranav said...

The world's greatest minds are found in BackBenchers.

syed nayab said...

if you have nothing substantial to say ... speak in english

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to idiots week

Anonymous said...

Dream,
as if you'll live forever.

Live,
as if you'll die tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

off ur hands from ur pant pockets... neways there's nothing inside 'em

Anonymous said...

I don't drink anymore... but I also don't drink any less

"you're too big for your boots" "then I'll go buy new ones"

"can you point me in the direction to the shops?" "sure, it's at the bottom of that steep pointy ledge"

Mitsie said...

If u think i'm a fool then u r my inspiration...

Kunj said...

One thinks cannibalism to be inhuman--to eat another human. But what the hell happened to 'you are what you eat'?

"If I had to choose between being an airplane and being a bird, I'd pick the plane. They soar as high as the highest birds and they don't crap on people below them in the process."

"Asking persons about themselves and hearing what they don't enjoy is like asking 'Where's the bathroom?' and receiving a dirty diaper."

"It's not whether the glass is full or empty or half, it's acting with the demeanor as if its full and that everyone deserves a glass."

Anonymous said...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink... unless you hold his head under and suck it out his ass.

jeeja h said...

let it not be said to your shame that all was beauty here before you came.

Caosite119 said...

Illiteracy: the genetic disease that gets worse ever generation. -Demi

Anonymous said...

Im blonde, whats your exuse?

Abhilash said...

There is no race(humanity) without competition...

Anonymous said...

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

Anonymous said...

You can never have too many pillows

Anonymous said...

12 Ways to reject pick-up lines

1.) Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”
3.) Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

4.) Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: “Want to Dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”

6.) Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

7.) Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.”

8.) And here’s one including the correct snappy return
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized, screw off!”

9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,”Where have you been
all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half
of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”

10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?”
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”

11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes”
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once…
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
“Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!”
She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

12.) “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

E Opondo said...

God always has the last laugh.

Anonymous said...

you're so dumb you cant even grow blonde hair

saphira lockhart said...

I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

Good friends will bail you out of prison. Best friends will be in the same prison with you.

Put the diaper over his mouth, because that's where all the crap is coming out.