“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”
-Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"
“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
“What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons
Showing posts with label Humourous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humourous. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Santa Banta Jokes
writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother
tongue.?
Santa: Very long!
Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!
While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here.
Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What’ll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I’ll take the money.
Q: How do you recognize Santa’s son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the
board.
Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u’ll die.
Santa: U’ll die bcoz haven’t u heard train is coming on platform?
Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a pigeon
reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call
Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What’s he studying?”
Santa: He’s not studying, they are studying him!
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
What’s Ford?
Santa: Car.
What’s
Santa: So simple, Car driven by Ox
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion’s
cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn’t say he got out.
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes
first - the chicken or the egg?
“Depends on the sequence in which 1 places the order”
Santa (reading from book of facts): “Do you know that every time I
breathe a man dies?”
Banta: “Why don’t you use a mouth wash ?”
Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.
Santa: My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog!
Banta: Oh! That’s terrible.
Santa: Yes, it was sad to watch the dog die in convulsions
An englishman and santa inside the toilet. Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out
Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?"
Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & coke?"
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pappu: Life imprisonment!
Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
Santa: It beats, beats, beats.
Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"
Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.
Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.
Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?
Little Johny Jokes
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."
Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"
His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."
Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'
His Dad says, "Both. God is both."
Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quarter but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."
Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"
His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."
Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'
His Dad says, "Both. God is both."
Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quarter but I like the way you're thinking.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Short Funny Jokes
Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.
Q: What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down. heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff. Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend.
What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.
A: Shoot her again.
Q: What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down. heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff. Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend.
What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.
Cool Sayings
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
- Chuck Palahnuik (author Fight Club)
"Live life to the fullest."
-Ernest Hemingway
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
-Will Smith
"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."
-Alfred Adler
"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family."
-Thomas Jefferson
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss
"Life is just a bowl of cherries."
-Anonymous
"Life becomes useless and insipid when we have no longer either friends or enemies."
-Queen Christina of Sweden
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
-Anais Nin
"Life is a warfare and a stranger's sojourn, and after fame is oblivion."
-Marcus Aurelius
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
-Soren Kierkegaard
"A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one."
-Guy De Maupassant
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
-Anonymous
"Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Man is immortal; therefore he must die endlessly. For life is a creative idea; it can only find itself in changing forms"
-Rabindranath Tagore
"Life must be lived as play."
-Plato
"Life is short and so is money."
-Bertolt Brecht
"I believe in a lively disrespect for most forms of authority."
-Rita Mae Brown
"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
-Henry David Thoreau
"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
-Helen Keller
"Do, or do not... There is no try."
-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
"Life is half spent before one knows what life is."
-French Proverb
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
-Plato
"Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn't been safe."
-Anonymous
"If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?"
-Erma Bombeck
"If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you."
-Marianne Williamson
"The value of life is not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet very little."
-Michel de Montaigne
"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne
"Life is sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."
-Ogden Nash
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."
-Mark Twain
"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
-Woody Allen
"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another...."
-Charlie Brown
"Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest."
-Charles Dickens
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-Charlie Chaplin
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
-Oscar Wilde
"But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions."
-D.H. Lawrence
"Character develops itself in the stream of life."
-Wolfgang von Johann Goethe
"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."
-Henry David Thoreau
We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."
-William Osler
"Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old."
-Jonathan Swift
" I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree."
-Pee Wee Herman
" Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college."
-Alvy Singer, Annie Hall
"No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive."
-Mahatma Gandhi
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... 'til you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
-Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
-Helen Keller
"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it."
-Danny Kaye
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
-Marcus Aurelius
"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it."
-Richard Bach
- Chuck Palahnuik (author Fight Club)
"Live life to the fullest."
-Ernest Hemingway
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
-Will Smith
"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."
-Alfred Adler
"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family."
-Thomas Jefferson
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss
"Life is just a bowl of cherries."
-Anonymous
"Life becomes useless and insipid when we have no longer either friends or enemies."
-Queen Christina of Sweden
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
-Anais Nin
"Life is a warfare and a stranger's sojourn, and after fame is oblivion."
-Marcus Aurelius
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
-Soren Kierkegaard
"A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one."
-Guy De Maupassant
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
-Anonymous
"Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Man is immortal; therefore he must die endlessly. For life is a creative idea; it can only find itself in changing forms"
-Rabindranath Tagore
"Life must be lived as play."
-Plato
"Life is short and so is money."
-Bertolt Brecht
"I believe in a lively disrespect for most forms of authority."
-Rita Mae Brown
"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
-Henry David Thoreau
"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
-Helen Keller
"Do, or do not... There is no try."
-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
"Life is half spent before one knows what life is."
-French Proverb
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
-Plato
"Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn't been safe."
-Anonymous
"If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?"
-Erma Bombeck
"If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you."
-Marianne Williamson
"The value of life is not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet very little."
-Michel de Montaigne
"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne
"Life is sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."
-Ogden Nash
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."
-Mark Twain
"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
-Woody Allen
"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another...."
-Charlie Brown
"Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest."
-Charles Dickens
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-Charlie Chaplin
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
-Oscar Wilde
"But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions."
-D.H. Lawrence
"Character develops itself in the stream of life."
-Wolfgang von Johann Goethe
"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."
-Henry David Thoreau
We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."
-William Osler
"Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old."
-Jonathan Swift
" I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree."
-Pee Wee Herman
" Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college."
-Alvy Singer, Annie Hall
"No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive."
-Mahatma Gandhi
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... 'til you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
-Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
-Helen Keller
"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it."
-Danny Kaye
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
-Marcus Aurelius
"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it."
-Richard Bach
Clever Quotes
"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. "
"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. "
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness "
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. "
"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "
"My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions? "
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources "
"Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke"
"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it."
"A clever man commits no minor blunders."
"How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. "
"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."
"God is clever, but not dishonest."
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. "
"Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties. "
"To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it."
"Clever men are good, but they are not the best."
"Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness."
"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. "
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness "
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. "
"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "
"My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions? "
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources "
"Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke"
"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it."
"A clever man commits no minor blunders."
"How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. "
"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."
"God is clever, but not dishonest."
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. "
"Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties. "
"To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it."
"Clever men are good, but they are not the best."
"Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness."
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Graffiti
• Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough
• I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed
• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me
• All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
• Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction
• Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring
• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.
• You simply must stop taking other people's advice.
• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!
• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.
• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.
• Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded.
• A good scare is worth more than good advice.
• Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
• Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
• 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.
• Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time
• Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !
• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.
• Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
• Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place.
• Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it.
• I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.
• I'm a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!
• We do precision guesswork.
• Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
• Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.
• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
• Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
• Some people think they are generous coz they give away free advice
• The govt is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding govt.
• Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
• Political language is designed to make lies sound useful and murder respectable.
• The trouble with being the boss is that there's no satisfaction in stealing office supplies.
• I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
• Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
• Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
• Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
• I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed
• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me
• All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
• Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction
• Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring
• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.
• You simply must stop taking other people's advice.
• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!
• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.
• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.
• Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded.
• A good scare is worth more than good advice.
• Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
• Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
• 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.
• Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time
• Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !
• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.
• Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
• Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place.
• Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it.
• I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.
• I'm a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!
• We do precision guesswork.
• Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
• Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.
• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
• Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
• Some people think they are generous coz they give away free advice
• The govt is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding govt.
• Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
• Political language is designed to make lies sound useful and murder respectable.
• The trouble with being the boss is that there's no satisfaction in stealing office supplies.
• I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
• Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
• Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
• Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
The Best of Jerry Seinfeld
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