One liners(R)

• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-Scott E. Roeben


• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
-S. J. Perelman


• Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
-Adrienne Gusoff


• I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that.
-Scott E. Roeben


• I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush.
-Scott E. Roeben


• I guess you could call me a polygamist. Sometimes I switch hands.
-Scott E. Roeben


• A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.
-Masters and Johnson


• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
-Alex comfort


• A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
-Francoise Sagan


• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
-Emo Philips


• Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. -William Shakespeare


• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-Joan Rivers


• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
-Emo Philips


• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
-Cary Grant


• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
~Gloria Leonard


• A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.
-Redd Foxx


• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein


• I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.
-Mariella Frostrup


• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
-Ronald Knox


• Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
-Yul Brynner


• It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-Tallulah Bankhead


• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
-Garry Shandling


• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. -Chauncey Mitchell Depew


• It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
-Alexandre Dumas


• The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
-Margaret Smith


• Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.


• Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
-Bob Rubin


• We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. -Arthur Hoppe