Quotes by Woody Allen

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
-Woody Allen

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
-Woody Allen

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”
-Woody Allen

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
-Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
-Woody Allen

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”
-Woody Allen

“I am at two with nature.”
-Woody Allen

“I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”
-Woody Allen

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.” -Woody Allen

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
-Woody Allen

“I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.” -Woody Allen

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
-Woody Allen

“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
-Woody Allen

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
-Woody Allen

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
-Woody Allen

“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” -Woody Allen

“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
-Woody Allen

“It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”
-Woody Allen

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
-Woody Allen

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
-Woody Allen

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”
-Woody Allen

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
-Woody Allen

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.” -Woody Allen

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.” -Woody Allen

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
-Woody Allen

“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”
-Woody Allen

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.” -Woody Allen

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”
-Woody Allen

“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”
-Woody Allen

“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”
-Woody Allen