Saturday, October 28, 2006

Funny Quotes

"Crazy is a relative term in my family!"

"Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off. "

"Caution, Blind Man Driving. "

"All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.Have a nice day! "

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. "

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. "

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! "

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. "

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. "

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. "

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. "

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. "

"OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. "

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. "

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. "

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. "

"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. "

"I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. "

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. "

My mechanic told me,"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. "

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. "

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. "

"Don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"

"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough "

"Smile, and the world will smile with you.
Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs. "

"I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life. "

"Where there's a will, there's a way.And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

"The Earth Is Full - Go Home. "

"So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. "

"Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. "

"Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. "

"Illiterate? Write For Help "

"You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! "

"Fight Crime: Shoot Back! "

"Boldly Going Nowhere. "

"Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. "

"Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. "


"All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. "


"Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do "

"Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas. "

"Don't regret doing things, regret getting caught "

"None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all "

"Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE "

"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

"There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day. "

"The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless."

"Love is like heaven but hurts like hell."

"Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".

"You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try."
- Homer J. Simpson.

"Is tuna really Chicken?"
- Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"

"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous"

"I'll kill you until you die!!"

"They misunderestimated me!"
-George W. Bush"

"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."

"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"

"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

"I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight"

"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!"

"Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome"

"Consciousness- that annoying time between naps"

"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind
that another man looking at her ass"

"It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... "

"Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster"


Anonymous said...

i called yuor boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

Anonymous said...

i called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Anonymous said...

I don't suffer from insanity
I enjoy every minute of it

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Don't look directly at the school. It may cause severe blindness and/or brain damage.

Anonymous said...

20. What’s an octopus with six legs? A sextopus!!!!

Anonymous said...

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it's this:

maturity is optional

Athena said...

Really good ones!!! I had a good laugh, thanks!

Anonymous said...

The early bird gets the worm...the second mouse gets the cheese.

Anonymous said...

What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Anonymous said...

you cant spell slaughter without laughter

Anonymous said...

Women are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to buy them, a club to kill them and a spade to bury them

Anonymous said...

you aren't drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter if theres a murderer on the loose, all you need to do is outrun your sister

Anonymous said...

dogs have owners, cats have staff

Anonymous said...

Its a known fact criminals have 3 arms, left arm, right arm, and firearm

Anonymous said...

If you cry, I cry, if you laugh, I laugh, if you jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!!

Anonymous said...

I use to hear voices... but we're fine now...

Anonymous said...

Enjoy a safe lunch, use a condiment ( :

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Now that I have a gun...u may run or hide :P

Knowledge Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

SHIT HAPPENS. …… Mostly to me so don’t worry…

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

No I’m not an idiot, An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

Fat people are harder to kidnap

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

Last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.

Your village called, they want their idiot back.

Welcome to loserville. Population: you

A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you, a best friend will walk up to him and say, its because ur gay isn’t it?

:) just a few i have found randomly

Anonymous said...

i love you from the bottom of my pensil case <3

Anonymous said...

"friends are like when you pee your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth"

Anonymous said...

"duct tape is like the force, it has a dark side, a light side, and holds the world together"

Boatflick said...

I blame the scapegoats.

Anonymous said...

If the world didnt suck - we would all fall off

Anonymous said...

Silence Is Golden...but Ducktape is Silver

Anonymous said...

i used to have problems with drugs... now get get along really well

Anonymous said...

I was lying in my bed one night looking up at the stars and I wondered where the hell is my ceiling lol.

Anonymous said...

operater give me the number of 911

Anonymous said...

"Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge!"

Anonymous said...

The roses are wilted
The violets are dead
The sugar bowl is empty
And so is your head

Anonymous said...

Give me ambiguity, or give me something else........

gabi(L) said...

i wrote our names on a fogged up window and watched them fade away just like we did....

Anonymous said...

trespassers will be shot, Survivors will be shot again

Anonymous said...

Great comments

Unknown said...

Good Phrases && Sayings.

Anonymous said...

If at first you don't succeed, RELOAD

Anonymous said...

Hard Work Never killed anybody, but why take a Chance?

Anonymous said...

Life's a bitch and if it wasn't it would be easy.... like you

Anonymous said...

When it's your time to shine people want it dimished
how long is he gonna shine, is he almost finished?
my time to shine is defined infinite
cuz my time to shine ain't designed with gimmicks
see the time is behind my lyrics
i'm ahead of my time, so my time can't be measured with minutes!!

Anonymous said...

Before you critize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you critize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. :]

cj said...

EDIT:if hard work pays off in the long run why havnt i stared running??? !D

Unknown said...

Is that your face or did ur neck just throw up?

Anonymous said...

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect :)

Anonymous said...

"Never argue with an idiot, they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!"

Unknown said...

I dont know whether to admirer you because your beautiful or because your dumb!

Haris said...

Where does the lobster have its penis? In the bill!

Anonymous said...

What does a bug say when you ask him how his day was?
Nothing! bugs can't talk!!

Anonymous said...

You failed.... just like your mums abortion!