Monday, October 30, 2006

Answering Machine

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep


"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."


I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply


"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."


"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."


Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten


We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.
BEEP."


You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"


This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.


Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!


Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!


These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.


Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you


Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.


Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.


A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....


A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.


After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.


Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.


Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.


As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,


Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.


Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?


Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?


C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!


Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.


Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.


Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?


Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!


Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.


Heaven, God speaking...


Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!


Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.


Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.


Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.


Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.


Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.


Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.


Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.


Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.


Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)


Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.


Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello........who is this?.....Syke!!!!!leave a message after the beep.BEEP

Anonymous said...

hi i know you and i was expecting your call..thats why i left my phone at home haha

Anonymous said...

please leave your name and number after the beep. BEEP

Anonymous said...

leave a message Beep................now leave it again. BEEP

kyle said...

i didnt feel like explaining how to leave a message so i hired this chick to do it for me.BEEP

Anonymous said...

Heres a good one k
"Hey what you doing,.....Yea well thats cool,hey were you at......Cool Cool, well just leave you name and number and ill call you back."BEEP
Or
Hello , Hello , O hey couldnt hear you so what are you up too.... Yea well than just leave your name and number.BEEP

Anonymous said...

ok, this is my fav--
Hello? you have reached ____, im dreaming about you right now, so leave a message so you can be the first vioce i hear when i get up--BEEP

Anonymous said...

Hey...I just got a new phone, but I haven't been able to figure out how to answer it, so if you leave me a message, I'll figure out how to listen to it later...

Anonymous said...

Hello, I'm not answering my phone right now because I have amnesia, If you could, please leave my name and something about me after the beep.

Anonymous said...

Hi, my mobile and I are having a trial separation. If you leave your name and number after the beep I'll get back to you when we reconcile

Anonymous said...

Hello this is Sam, i am here right now but im letting the machine do what i bought it to do, basically if your someone i like ill answer the phone if not then youll know not to ring again, have a good day