Monday, October 30, 2006

One liners(R)

• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-Scott E. Roeben

• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

-S. J. Perelman

• Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
-Adrienne Gusoff

• I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that.
-Scott E. Roeben

• I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush.
-Scott E. Roeben

• I guess you could call me a polygamist. Sometimes I switch hands.
-Scott E. Roeben

• A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.
-Masters and Johnson

• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
-Alex comfort

• A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
-Francoise Sagan

• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
-Emo Philips

• Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. -William Shakespeare

• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-Joan Rivers

• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
-Emo Philips

• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
-Cary Grant

• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
~Gloria Leonard

• A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.
-Redd Foxx

• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein

• I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.
-Mariella Frostrup

• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
-Ronald Knox

• Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
-Yul Brynner

• It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-Tallulah Bankhead

• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
-Garry Shandling

• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. -Chauncey Mitchell Depew

• It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
-Alexandre Dumas

• The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
-Margaret Smith

• Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.

• Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
-Bob Rubin

• We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. -Arthur Hoppe

Success Quotes

Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket.

Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time.

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.

The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

A great leader's courage to fulfill his vision comes from passion, not position.

Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.

If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Success is focusing the full power of all you are on what you have a burning desire to achieve.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
~Albert Einstein

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good. ~Joe Paterno

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.
~Author Unknown

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
~Woody Allen

As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building.
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.
~M.H. Alderson

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill

What is success? It is a toy balloon among children armed with pins.
~Gene Fowler

We never know, believe me, when we have succeeded best.
~Miguel de Unamuno, Essays and Soliloquies, 1925 Sometimes

I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
~Lily Tomlin

I couldn't wait for success... so I went ahead without it.
~Jonathan Winters

There is no point at which you can say, "Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap." ~Carrie Fisher

Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
~David Frost

Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it.
~Author Unknown

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time.
~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book I dread success.

To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
~George Bernard Shaw, 28 August 1896

Those who have succeeded at anything and don't mention luck are kidding themselves.
~Larry King

Success has made failures of many men.
~Cindy Adams

Some aspects of success seem rather silly as death approaches.
~Donald A. Miller

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
~Author Unknown

Religious Quotes

Christianity started out in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise.
~Sam Pascoe, American scholar.

Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.
-- Francis of Assisi.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-- Paul, Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

Christianity is not a religion; it is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
~Anonymous posting to a Christian mailing list.

The world is equally shocked at hearing Christianity criticized and seeing it practiced.
~Elton Trueblood, (1900 - 1994), American author and theologian.

Many people think that the Bible is the authentic word of God and they worship the Bible, making it an idol...
-- Alan Watts, from "The Essence of Alan Watts series - GOD.

"Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural & spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity"
-- A widely cited, but spurious quotation attributed to Albert Einstein

"The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."

"If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion." ~Lin-Chi.

"Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.” ~Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh.

Old Sayings

A whistling girl and a crowing hen always come to some bad end.

Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive

If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it.

I refuse to tip toe cautiously thru life only to arrive safely at deaths door.

Cry when you need to, laugh when you can.

Either way the sun comes up tomorrow on a new day.

That in which is striking and beautiful, is not always beautiful, but that which is good is always beautiful.

I don't try to explain to people why I ride a Motorcycle.

For those who have experienced the joy no explanation is necessary.

For those who haven't, no explanation is possible.

It is better to be a little lonely than to be a whole lot miserable.

Come home early, nothing good ever happens after midnight.

When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to".

Never own ANYTHING you aren't willing to drill a hole in.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man wealthy and wise.

The press will shape your opinion if you don't keep yourself informed.

God doesn't necessarily call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

Never give up a true friend, they will stay till the end.

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Light travels faster than sound, this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Your enemies can hurt you, but only your fear defeats you! Only those who risk going too far will ever know how far they can go.

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.

Only those who attempt the absurd will acheive the impossible.

From a redneck: Ever day za gamble, I figger if I wake up in the morning I'm ahead.

Anyone who has'nt got a little bit of a temper is not worth killing.

The problem with management is that they can't see the people thru the ties.

We sometimes feel that what we do is just a drop in the ocean, but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

Kindness costs nothing, but pays big dividends.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a lot easier than putting it back in.

The hardest part of raising your child is the same as teaching them to ride a bike. It's letting them go.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

There's two theories about arguing with a woman, neither one works.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

Things are not always what they seem, A stopped clock is right twice a day!

There are three kinds of men. The one who learns by reading. There's a few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Before you were born your parents were not as boring as they are now.

They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are.

So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try cleaning the closet in your room.

If something sounds too good to be true it is probably false.

It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.

A person who has never made a mistake has never done anything.

Think about it, we learn most of what we know from mistakes, if we get burned, cut, bruised, scraped, or a knot put on our head we don't do it that way again.

Good judgment comes from experience, unfortunately experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Any country that accepts abortion, is not teaching its people to love, but to use any violence to get what it wants.

Hug a teacher today, if it wasn't for them you would not be reading this.

Never ASSUME anything, it makes an ASS of U and ME People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Just wondering...

Why do you suppose the Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

Downfall usually comes from within.

It is very troubling to me that doctors have a "practice". Be nice to nerds.

You will probably work for one someday.

"640 K of memory should be enough memory for anyone".

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.

No one has to know what you paid for it.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. Never say never! You are what you eat.

"Computers of the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons"

I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion.

There is nothing new...about old sayings.

If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

Inspirational Quotes

Plan your work and work your plan.
-Napolean Hill

Inspiration may be a form of super-consciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness -- I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self-consciousness. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley

The greatest inspiration is often born of desperation. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you.
-Barbara Sher

There never was a great soul that did not have some divine inspiration. There are two primary choices in life to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
-Dr. Denis Waitley

When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best -- that is inspiration. Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryan

The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web. The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.
-Theodore Rubin

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

Your most valuable asset can be your willingness to persist longer than anyone else.
-Brian Tracy

Destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryant

Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience. To achieve something you've never achieved before, you must become someone you've never been before.
-Bria Tracy

The secret of happiness is not doing what one likes, but liking what one has to do.
-James M. Burrie

We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow.
~Woodrow Wilson

The older I grow, the more I listen to people who don't say much.
-Germain G. Glidden

I do not ask for any crown but that which all may win; nor try to conquer any world except the one within
-Louisa May Alcott

I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back.
-Philip Brookes

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.
-Aldous Leonard

Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down.
-William M. Winans

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
-T. S. Eliot

Anger blows out the candle of the mind.
-R. G. Ingersoll

Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself.
~Alfred Sheinwold

Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.
-General George S. Patton

You never fail until you stop trying.
-Florence Griffith Joyner

The greatest mistake you can make in this life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-Elbert Hubbard

Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be.
-Jose Ortega y Gasset

Avoid competency traps. Do not stay only where you are good at things, Go out and be challenged.
-Andrew Creighton

Remember that you are needed. There is at least one important work to be done that will not be done unless you do it.
-Charles L. Allen

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.
-Evan Esar

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
~Pete Seeger

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody.
-Herbert Bayard Swope

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
-Leon J. Suenes

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
~Rita Mae Brown

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.
-Ralph Blum

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sarcastic/Witty Quotes

» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» It's a catastrophic success.

» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

» The 100% American is 99% idiot.

» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

» He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce

» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

Age Quotes

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you.

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I grow more intense as I age.

About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.

A young man is embarrassed to question an older one.

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.

Though it sounds absurd, it is true to say I felt younger at sixty than I felt at twenty.

Young men's minds are always changeable, but when an old man is concerned in a matter, he looks both before and after.

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

Age does not protect you from love, but love to some extent protects you from age.

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.

With age come the inner, the higher life. Who would be forever young, to dwell always in externals ?

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Funny Epitaphs

Here lies, All cold and hard,

The last damn dog,

That pooped in my yard!


It was a Cough

That carried him Off

It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In


On an attorney’s tombstone:

Goembel John E.

1867-1946 "The defense rests"


Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me For not rising.

Ruidoso, New Mexico


Jedediah Goodwin Auctioneer

Born 1828 Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1876

* * *

Bill Blake

Was hanged by mistake.

* * *

Here lays Butch.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

* * *

Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.

We made the mistake, But the joke's on him.

* * *

He called Bill Smith A Liar

* * *


Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!

Life in a vacuum sucks

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?


Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Conserve energy... fart in a jar

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!

Answering Machine

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep

"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."

I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply

"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Responses to Pickup Lines

He: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
She: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

He: "Is this seat empty?"
She: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

He: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

She: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

He: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

She: "It's in the phone book."
He: "But I don't know your name."
She: "That's in the phone book too."

HE: "What sign were you born under?"

SHE: "No Parking."

He: "I know how to please a woman."

She: "Then please leave me alone."

He: "Haven't we met before?"

She: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

He: "I want to give myself to you."

She: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "I can tell that you want me."

She: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

He: "Hey, baby, What's your sign?"

She: "Stop."

He: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

She: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

He: "May I see you pretty soon?"

She: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

He: "Your body is like a temple."

She"Sorry, there are no services today."

He: "I'd go through anything for you."

She: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

He: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

She: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

He: "Your place or mine?"
She: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"

say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?

She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?

She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?

A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?

A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.

A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?

A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

He: "You look like a dream."

Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

He: "I can see forever in your eyes."

Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

He: "I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."

Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

Pickup Lines

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"]
... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

Alcohol Sayings

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-Henny Youngman

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
-Brian O'Rourke


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
-Homer Simpson

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
-Frank Sinatra

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
-Abraham Lincoln

One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry

Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
-Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
-John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

He was a wise man who invented beer.

This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
-Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck

"Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been taking it for years."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemmingway

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-Humprey Bogart

"I got thrown out of Alcoholics because when the other clients saw me they thought they were having the DT's"
-Dave Dutton

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
-Oscar Wilde

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
-Mark Twain

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?" -Denis Leary

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend !!!!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

There is a devil in every berry of the grape.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I drink to forget I drink.

The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The whole world is about three drinks behind.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.