Cynicism & Insults

Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.

If I throw a stick, will you go away?

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I'm glad they didn't waste one on you.

I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

You have a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Next time you get the urge to think...don't. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.

Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.

I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Sarcastic Responses

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you
try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We
occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just
the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in
Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted
moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office
asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and
now it's in flames!!!

Quotes & Quotations

• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!

• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.

• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.

• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-Scott E. Roeben


• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
-S. J. Perelman

• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.

• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
~Jerry seinfeld

• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
~Jerry seinfeld

• See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them
~Jerry seinfeld

• The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
- Robert Benchley

• The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

• Quotations in my work are like wayside robbers who leap out armed and relieve the stroller of his conviction.
-Walter Benjamin

• When one begins to live by habit and by quotation, one has begun to stop living.
- James Baldwin

• One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well.
- Amos Bronson Alcott