Thursday, November 16, 2006

Santa Banta Jokes

Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally
writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The stearing, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother
Santa: Very long!

Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!

While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here.

Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What’ll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I’ll take the money.

Q: How do you recognize Santa’s son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the

Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u’ll die.
Santa: U’ll die bcoz haven’t u heard train is coming on platform?

Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a pigeon
reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call

Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What’s he studying?”
Santa: He’s not studying, they are studying him!

Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

What’s Ford?
Santa: Car.
What’s Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Car driven by Ox

Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion’s
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn’t say he got out.

Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes
first - the chicken or the egg?
“Depends on the sequence in which 1 places the order”

Santa (reading from book of facts): “Do you know that every time I
breathe a man dies?”
Banta: “Why don’t you use a mouth wash ?”

Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

Santa: My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog!
Banta: Oh! That’s terrible.
Santa: Yes, it was sad to watch the dog die in convulsions

An englishman and santa inside the toilet. Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out

Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?"
Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & coke?"

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pappu: Life imprisonment!

Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
Santa: It beats, beats, beats.

Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"

Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.

Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?

Little Johny Jokes

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"
His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."
Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'
His Dad says, "Both. God is both."
Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quarter but I like the way you're thinking.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Short Funny Jokes

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Q: What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down. heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff. Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend.
What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

Victory Quotes

“Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”
- Horace Mann

“Defeat may serve as well as victory to shake the soul and let the glory out.”
- Edwin Markham

“Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.”
- Abraham Lincoln

“In war there is no substitute for victory.”
- Douglas MacArthur

“The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities...It is best to win without fighting.”
- Sun Tzu

“The supreme excellence is not to win a hundred victories in a hundred battles. The supreme excellence is to subdue the armies of your enemies without even having to fight them.”
- Lao Tzu

“The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.”
- Adolph Hitler

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”
- Sun Tzu

“Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.”
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

“Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.”
- Malcolm S. Forbes

“Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.”
- Winston Churchill

“If you can accept losing, you can't win.”
-Vince Lombardi

“Expect victory and you make victory.”
- Preston Bradley

“Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.”
- Louis L'Amour

“In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves...self-discipline with all of them came first.”
- Harry S Truman

“Invincibility lies in the defence; the possibility of victory in the Attack.”
- Sun Tzu

“Regardless of how you feel inside, always try to look like a winner. Even if you are behind, a sustained look of control and confidence can give you a mental edge that results in victory.”
- Arthur Ashe

“If you think you can win, you can. Faith is necessary to victory.”
- William Hazlitt

“The first and best victory is to conquer self; to be conquered by self is of all things most shameful and vile.”
- Plato

“It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.”
- Nelson Mandela

“Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat”
- Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is in the compelling zest of high adventure and of victory, and in creative action, that man finds his supreme joys.”
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“There is no substitute for victory.”
- Douglas MacArthur

“Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being.”
- Daisaku Ikeda

“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.”
- Josh Billings

“Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.”
- Sun Tzu

“The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.”
- Sun Tzu

Graduation Quotes

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”
- Robert Orben

“You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.”
- Tom Brokaw

“Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.”
- Anthony J. D'Angelo

“You cannot help but learn more as you take the world into your hands. Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it.”
- John Updike

“Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these.”
- Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906) American reformer

“School's out, Memories past, Don't ever doubt, Our friendship will last.”
- Unknown

“Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors!”
- Louisa May Alcott

“Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.”
- Richard Halliburton

“Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.”
- B.F. Skinner

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
- Aristotle

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”
- Dr. Seuss

“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I hope your dreams take you... to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.”
- Author Unknown

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”
- Anatole France

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”
- Henry David Thoreau

“All our dreams can come true...if we have the courage to pursue them.”
- Walt Disney

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.”
- Wayne Dyer

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”
- William Arthur Ward

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”
- Nelson Mandela

“Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
- Robert Louis Stevenson

“Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.”
- George Bernard Shaw

“Time is not measured by the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels, and what one achieves.”
- Jawaharlal Nehru

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”
- Milton Berle

“Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.”
- Erma Bombeck

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“There is a good reason they call these ceremonies 'commencement exercises'. Graduation is not the end, it's the beginning.”
- Orrin Hatch

Beauty Quotes

"Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time."
- Author Unknown

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."
- John Muir

"Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see."
- George W. Russell

"I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful."
- Author Unknown

"By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower."
- Rabindrath Tagore

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."
- Kahlil Gibran

"Against Him those women sin who torment their skin with potions, stain their cheeks with rouge and extend the line of their eyes with black coloring. Doubtless they are dissatisfied with God's plastic skill. In their own persons they convict and censure the Artificer of all things."
- Tertullian

"That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful."
- Ninon de L'Enclos

"Had the price of looking been blindness, I would have looked."
- Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

"Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts."
- Martin Buxbaum

"Tell them dear, that if eyes were made for seeing,Then beauty is its own excuse for being."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The Rhodora"

"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness."
- Leo Tolstoy

"In every man's heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty."
- Christopher Morley

"What humbugs we are, who pretend to live for Beauty, and never see the Dawn!"
- Logan Pearsall Smith

"The most beautiful view is the one I share with you."
- Author Unknown

"When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other."
- Chinese Proverb

"Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5."
- Roseanne

"I don't like standard beauty - there is no beauty without strangeness."
- Karl Lagerfeld

"There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect."
- Gilbert Keith Chesterton

"Beauty and folly are generally companions."
- Baltasar Gracian

"Beauty comes as much from the mind as from the eye."
- Grey Livingston

"We ascribe beauty to that which is simple; which has no superfluous parts; which exactly answers its end; which stands related to all things; which is the mean of many extremes."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
- Confucius

"Plainness has its peculiar temptations quite as much as beauty."
- George Eliot

"As we grow old, the beauty steals inward."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone."
- Johann von Goethe

"A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful."
- Karl Kraus

"Beauty deprived of its proper foils and adjuncts ceases to be enjoyed as beauty, just as light deprived of all shadows ceases to be enjoyed as light."
- John Ruskin

"Beauty in the flesh will continue to rule the world."
- Florenz Ziegfeld

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her."
- Author Unknown

"Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies for instance."
- John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice, 1851

"Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844

"A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books."
- Walt Whitman

"Beauty... is the shadow of God on the universe."
- Gabriela Mistral, Desolacíon

"Beauty... when you look into a woman's eyes and see what is in her heart."
- Nate Dircks

"You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing."
- Marie Stopes

"Beauty - in projection and perceiving - is 99.9% attitude."
- Grey Livingston

"Beauty?... To me it is a word without sense because I do not know where its meaning comes from nor where it leads to."
- Pablo Picasso

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"
- Jean Kerr, The Snake Has All the Lines

"Beauty is indeed a good gift of God; but that the good may not think it a great good, God dispenses it even to the wicked."
- Saint Augustine

"Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic."
- Rosalind Russell

"I hope you have lost your good looks, for while they last any fool can adore you, and the adoration of fools is bad for the soul. No, give me a ruined complexion and a lost figure and sixteen chins on a farmyard of Crow's feet and an obvious wig. Then you shall see me coming out strong."
- George Bernard Shaw, to Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head."
- Garrison Keillor

Sad Quotes

“No more truth. Bells ring no more in me. I am all alone singly. Lonely rests my head. O my God! I am dead.”
- Jose Garcia Villa

“I'm so lost without you. Feeling lonely, scared & cold. I'm so lost without you. Tell me baby, when are you coming home?”

“We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.”
- David Weatherford

“We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.”
- David Weatherford

“However long the night, the dawn will break.”
- African Proverb

“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”
- Joseph Stalin

“The silence that guards the tomb does not reveal God's secret in the obscurity of the coffin, and the rustling of the branches whose roots suck the body's elements do not tell the mysteries of the grave, by the agonized sighs of my heart announce to the living the drama which love, beauty, and death have performed.”
- Kahlil Gibran

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung

“Red is the ultimate cure for sadness.”
- Bill Blass

“I expose slavery in this country, because to expose it is to kill it.
Slavery is one of those monsters of darkness to whom the light of truth is death.”
- Frederick Douglass

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
- Kahlil Gibran

“There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.”
- Anonymous

“Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.
The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”
- Louis E. Boone

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”
- Winston Churchill

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”
- Anais Nin

“Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome”
- Jimi Hendrix

“Sadness flies away on the wings of time.”
- Jean de La Fontaine

“Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.”
- Christina Georgina Rossetti

“Love can sometimes be magic.
But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.”
- Javan

“For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'”
- John Greenleaf Whittier

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”
- Psalms

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, "It might have been!"”
- John Greenleaf Whittier

“The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.”
- Jim Rohn

“To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.”
- Charles Caleb Colton

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being.
His heart withers if it does not answer another heart.
His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.”
- Pearl S. Buck

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung

“No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees.”
- Carole Borges

“Don't you want to join us?" I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted.
"No, I don't," I said.”
- Franz Kafka

“I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad.
Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.”
- Helen Keller

“A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary.
Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.”
- Albert Einstein

“Hating people is like burning down your house to kill a rat.”
- Henry Fosdick

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.”
- Dante

Cool Sayings

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
- Chuck Palahnuik (author Fight Club)

"Live life to the fullest."
-Ernest Hemingway

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
-Will Smith

"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."
-Alfred Adler

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family."
-Thomas Jefferson

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss

"Life is just a bowl of cherries."

"Life becomes useless and insipid when we have no longer either friends or enemies."
-Queen Christina of Sweden

"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
-Anais Nin

"Life is a warfare and a stranger's sojourn, and after fame is oblivion."
-Marcus Aurelius

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
-Soren Kierkegaard

"A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one."
-Guy De Maupassant

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Man is immortal; therefore he must die endlessly. For life is a creative idea; it can only find itself in changing forms"
-Rabindranath Tagore

"Life must be lived as play."

"Life is short and so is money."
-Bertolt Brecht

"I believe in a lively disrespect for most forms of authority."
-Rita Mae Brown

"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
-Henry David Thoreau

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
-Helen Keller

"Do, or do not... There is no try."
-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

"Life is half spent before one knows what life is."
-French Proverb

"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."

"Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn't been safe."

"If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?"
-Erma Bombeck

"If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you."
-Marianne Williamson

"The value of life is not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet very little."
-Michel de Montaigne

"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Life is sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."
-Ogden Nash

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."
-Mark Twain

"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
-Woody Allen

"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another...."
-Charlie Brown

"Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest."
-Charles Dickens

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-Charlie Chaplin

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
-Oscar Wilde

"But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions."
-D.H. Lawrence

"Character develops itself in the stream of life."
-Wolfgang von Johann Goethe

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."
-Henry David Thoreau

We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."
-William Osler

"Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old."
-Jonathan Swift

" I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree."
-Pee Wee Herman

" Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college."
-Alvy Singer, Annie Hall

"No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... 'til you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
-Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
-Helen Keller

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it."
-Danny Kaye

"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
-Marcus Aurelius

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it."
-Richard Bach

Clever Quotes

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. "

"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. "

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "

"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness "

"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. "

"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"

"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."

"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "

"My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions? "

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."

"You can't be late until you show up."

"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources "

"Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't if you keep reading, you'll go broke"

"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it."

"A clever man commits no minor blunders."

"How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. "

"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."

"God is clever, but not dishonest."

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. "

"Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties. "

"To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it."

"Clever men are good, but they are not the best."

"Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness."

Birthday Sayings

“Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”
- Franz Kafka

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday”."
- Author Unknown

“There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents ... and only one for birthday presents, you know. “
- Author Unknown

“At times is it seems that I am living my life backward, and that at the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles-wrinkles that my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there and that I had the greatest trouble removing,...”
- Andre Gide

“The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.”
- Author Unknown

“The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.”
- Author Unknown

“For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.”
- Author Unknown

“Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world.”
- Author Unknown

“I want to be an artist
To paint pictures just for you,
So when each birthday comes around,
I can send you quite a few.”
- Anonymous

“The secret to eternal youth is arrested development.”
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary to put all the play and learning into childhood, all the work into middle age, and all the regrets into old age.”
- Margaret Mead

“There was a star danced, and under that was I born.”
- William Shakespeare

“There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.”
- George Santayana

“Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. "
- Rudyard Kipling

“It is through the idealism of youth that man catches sight of truth, and in that idealism he possesses a wealth which he must never exchange for anything else.”
- Albert Schweitezer

“A man over nintey is a great comfort to all his elderly neighbors: he is a picket-guard at the extreme outpost; and the young folks of sixty and seventy feel that the enemy must get by him before he can come near their camp.”
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Everything I know I learned after I was thirty.”
- Georges Clemenceau

“The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”
- T. S. Eliot

“From birth to age eighteen, a girl needs good parents. From eighteen to thirty-five, she needs good looks. From thirty-five to fifty-five, she needs a good personality. From fifty-five on, she needs good cash.”
- Sophie Tucker

“When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like you parents.”
- Blair Sabol

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished a how much he had learned in seven years.”
- Mark Twain

“The advantage of being eighty years old is that one has many people to love.”
- Jean Renoir

“Nature gives you the face you have at twenty, but it's up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.”
- Coco Chanel

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.”
- Pierre Cornielle

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
- Lucille ball

“The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.”
-English Proverb

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”
- Edith Wharton

“The Best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.”
- H. V. Prochnow

“It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me.”
- Ellen Glasgow

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh yourself.”
- Ethel Barrymore

“If only I may grow: firmer, simpler-quieter, warmer.”
- Dag Hammarskjold

“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”
- French proverb

“At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgement.”
- Benjamin Franklin

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”
- Jack Benny

“The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything. “
- Oscar Wilde

“There are so many things about which some old man ought to tell one while one is little; for when one is grown one would know them as a matter of course. "
- Rainer Maria Rilke

“PLeas'd look forward, pleas'd to look behind,
And count each birthday with a grateful mind.”
- Alexander Pope

“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young.”
- Fred Astaire

“Whatever with the past has gone,
The best is always yet to come.”
- Lucy Larcom

“It takes a long time to grow young.”
- Pablo Picasso

“It is better to wear out than to rust out.”
- Bishop Richard Cumberland

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”
- Robert Frost

“Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up...a lot of people don't have the courage to do it.”
- Helen Hayes

“Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow.”
- Margaret Fuller

“Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.”
- Anon

Anniversary Sayings

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

“There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love.”

“The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.”

“Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends”

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

“Our anniversary is a time to look back at the good times and a time to look ahead to live our dreams together.”

“A successful married life requires falling in love many times, but always with the same person.”
“Love is there when both person are more concerned for the other than for one's self.”

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.”

“Sometimes, when only one person is missing, and the whole world seems desolated.”

“Love is the best refreshment in life.”

“No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married for quarter of a century.”

“The secret to having a good married life is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal.”

“It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do ..... it's who you have beside you.”
“We have changed over the years, but the sparkle in your eyes is as bright as ever, and my love for you is even stronger.”

“Side by side - Year by year.”

“The difficulty with married life is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.”

“Love begins in a moment, grows over time, and lasts for eternity.”

“Are we not like two volumes of single book ?”

“25th Anniversary - A celebration of love as bright and enduring as silver.”

“The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.”

“True love stories never end.”

“Anniversary : A time to celebrate the beauty, gift, and the blessing of enduring love.”

“Knowing you will be with me in all my tomorrows, makes my today so wonderful.”

“There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to your loved one.”

“On this our anniversary, we may not have wealth, but we do have each other and that is worth more than anything in the world.”

“A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.”

“I will not love you for the rest of your life, but for the rest of my life.”

“Marriage is choosing someone again and again to love and to cherish with each new dawn.”

Family sayings

“I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich.”
- Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "Identity Crisis," M*A*S*H

“It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.”
- Johann Schiller

“The family is a haven in a heartless world.”
- Attributed to Christopher Lasch

“Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we've put it in an impossible situation.”
- Margaret Mead

“Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.”
- Author Unknown

“If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.”
- Ashleigh Brilliant

“We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies.”
- Shirley Abbott

“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.”
- Evan Esar

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”
- Ogden Nash

“The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.”
- Erma Bombeck

“When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.”
- Joyce Brothers

“In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.”
- Margaret Laurence

“Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.”
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

“You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.”
- Desmond Tutu

“An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.”
- Spanish Proverb

“Blood's thicker than water, and when one's in trouble
Best to seek out a relative's open arms.”
- Author Unknown

“The happiness of the domestic fireside is the first boon of Heaven; and it is well it is so, since it is that which is the lot of the mass of mankind.”
- Thomas Jefferson, 1813

“To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there.”
- Barbara Bush

“When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”
- Jane Howard

“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.”
- Paul Pearshall

“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford

“The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.”
- Thomas Jefferson

“The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.”
- Dodie Smith

“The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.”
- Kendall Hailey, The Day I Became an Autodidact

“In time of test, family is best.”
- Burmese Proverb

“Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman

“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.”
- Lee Iacocca

“They... threw themselves into the interests of the rest, but each plowed his or her own furrow. Their thoughts, their little passions and hopes and desires, all ran along separate lines. Family life is like this - animated, but collateral.”
- Rose Macaulay

“What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.”
- George Eliot

“At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.”
- Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

“If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct.”
- Letty Cottin Pogrebin

“The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us to become our best while looking our worst”.
- Marge Kennedy

“The family is one of nature's masterpieces.”
- George Santayana, The Life of Reason

“We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break.”
- Marquise de Sévigné

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.”
- Anthony Brandt

“There's an awful lot of blood around that water is thicker than.”
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

“Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.”
- Gail Lumet Buckley

“Are we not like two volumes of one book?”
- Marceline Desbordes

“I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.”
- Fred Allen

“The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.”
- Pearl S. Buck

Friendship Sayings

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."
- Charles Caleb Colton

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
A friend is one who walks in when others walk out."
-Walter Winchell

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else."
- Len Wein

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
- Sent by Donna Roberts

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."
- Sent by Lysha

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend."
- Albert Camus

"A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more."
- Sent by Jasmine Fitzwilliam

"Everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise."
- Author Unknown

"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend."
- by John Leonard

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
- Elbert Hubard

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon

"Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends."
- Mary Catherwood

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

"I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel."
- Logan Pearsall Smith

"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships."
- Abraham Lincoln

"One's best friend is oneself."
- Author Unknown

"A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"
- Author Unknown

"To be depressed is to be lonely; to have a friend is to be happy..."
- Guido

"I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow."

"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mocuriac

"Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship.
True friendship is never serene."
- Mariede Svign

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrick

"A friend is a gift you give yourself."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty."
- Collins English Dictionary

"A new friendship is like an unripened fruit - it may become either an orange or a lemon"
- Emma Stacey

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
- Oscar Wilde

"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade."
- William Shakespeare

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa

"I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Misfortune shows those who are not really friends."
- Aristotle

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
- Mark Twain

"Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship."
- Cicero

"Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies."
- Aristotle

"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome

"I count myselt in nothing else so happy
As in a soul rememb'ring my good friends."
- William Shakespeare

"I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."
- Thomas Jefferson

"Sir, more than kisses, letters, mingle souls;
For, thus friends absent speak."
- John Donne

"Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend
Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end."
- John Boyle O'Reilly

"Friends have all things in common."
- Plato

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Artistotle

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


• Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough

• I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed

• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight

• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me

• All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.

• Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction

• Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring

• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.

• You simply must stop taking other people's advice.

• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!

• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.

• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.

• Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded.

• A good scare is worth more than good advice.

• Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

• Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

• 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.

• Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time

• Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !

• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.

• Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.

• Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place.

• Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it.

• I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.

• I'm a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!

• We do precision guesswork.

• Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

• Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.

• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

• Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.

• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

• Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.

• Some people think they are generous coz they give away free advice

• The govt is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding govt.

• Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.

• Political language is designed to make lies sound useful and murder respectable.

• The trouble with being the boss is that there's no satisfaction in stealing office supplies.

• I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

• Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

• Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess

• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

• Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

The Best of Jerry Seinfeld

  • I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  • What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

  • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  • Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

  • That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

  • There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

  • According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  • Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

  • Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

  • Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

  • Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

  • The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

  • I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

  • To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

  • Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

  • The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

  • Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  • See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

  • What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

  • You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

  • You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

  • Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

  • I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"