» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman
» It's a catastrophic success.
» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop
» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx
» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa
» The 100% American is 99% idiot.
» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw
» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
» He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain
» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow
» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce
» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen
93 comments:
Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to weave webs"
what are you gonna do about it bush scrath your arm pits and eat bananas?
I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.
There are times when I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I'm sober
i thought i had lost my mind.... and then i found you... and realised i always had them, until then...
A baLANceD DIet! iS a bEER iN eACH haND :)
If you call that hard work, a koala’s life would look heroic.
men are like parking spaces the good ones are gone the rest are handicapps
Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
Don't be so humble, you are not that great.
Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
Your boyfriend may be obese, stupid and have a memory like a sieve, but he does have his wise moments once a year.
I got hit by an on coming parked car.
if it wasn't for your butt plug, i wouldn't hear a word you said
if it wasn't for your butt plug, i wouldn't hear a word you said
make sure to take your viagra with poppers ... u will die from pleasure
it's not that you are not attracted to me; it's that you are impotent
you weren't hit by a truck; you are just ugly
Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired
never argue with an idiot they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to animals week.
I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to animals week.
Before giving someone a piece of your mind, remember to leave a little something for yourself.
if at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
If you can't dance, don't blame it on the dance floor
Life is a bitch and we are its puppies.........
Men are Toilets. Either they are taken or full of crap. ~ariadne y.
Suicide is your way to tell God, "you can't fire me, I Quit!"
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
If you can't win, make your opponents lose
life's like a wet towel, you can't dry off, and if you let someone get a hold of it. let the whippings commence
Contrary to popular belief, God's surname is not damnit!
life's not full of miracles but merely accidents.
If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.
Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you. Talk shit makes me famous with your lies!!
4/3 americans have trouble with fractions.
Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.
man:"art is stupid and pointless what good does it do anyways?"
woman: "really so every form of art is stupid an pointless to you even the form of art that constructed the building you sit in at this very moment?"
man: ((blankly stares at the woman))
woman:"architectural work is considered a form of art"
man:"no its not, your a lieing spitful bitch"
woman:" i have three things to say to you and you had better listen up, nuber one profanity broves stupidity and arogance only displays ignorance, number two, yeah ok i know i radiate bitch but guess what thats still better than what you've got to give cause at least i can get somwhere with it. number three do yourself a favor and find yourself a hobby that doesnt envolve making a fool of yourself."
i called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse
Cats have nine lives, but mess with me and yooll have none
I may be a cutie, but mess with me and ill kick your bootie
Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway..
"You know what they say, what doesn't kill you..."
'Leaves you maimed, depressed and with and incredibly large debt to the hospital?'
"success has many fathers,failure has none."......
then who wants to be a bastard?
it is easy to get forgiveness than permission....
/eat well,stay fit..die anyway!!!
.frnds may come n go....enemies accumulate!!
/if u kill everybody hu hates me,it wont b murder,it wud b a apocalypse
Its better to be lazy than waste your time getting tired :D
buy the cupcake, and forever wish you hadn't
or
don't buy the cupcake, and forever wish you had
Puppies are to Dogs as men are to women
madness takes its toll, please keep exact change.
your love for all life is like candy, sweet, childish and eventually sickening.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn
Most people never hear the full saying made popular in the late 80's "It takes a whole village to raise a child" , "but it only takes one child to RAZE the whole village"
People like YOU, are the reason why people like ME, need MEDICATION
im not sure what makes you stupider your brain or what comes out of your mouth.
You were meant for me... Perhaps as a punishment
The early worm is for the birds
Lust is easy, Love is hard..
Attack Life! Coz its gonna kill u anyway
You've got a point there...wear a hat and no one will notice!
Life's a bitch... then you become one!
I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumours to spread and people to argue with!
You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator...
The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese!
there is no business like no business..
When God put teeth into your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole.
I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead.
The quietest place on Earth: The Complaints Department for Faulty Parachutes
i doubt therefore i may be...
theres no I in TEAM theres a ME though if you jumble it up a little
i dont know why but you must confuse me with someone who cares...
i dont ask why people lie...i just assume they do
You're an Idiot
Do i get bonus points if i act like i care??
Thats Absurd...i love it
Thats not news...thats olds
Follow him...he speaks in sentences
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
heyyy..!!!
you are mind blowing really..
now get a little down...!!!!!
i don't smoke,
while i drink...!!!
I'm so cute I shit kittens!!!
Life on Earth might be expensive, but it does includes trip around the Sun!!!
if you think that i'm a fool then you are my inspiration...
A true failer... even fails at killing themselves...
I would love to inspire you with my knowledge but your so arragant I don't think you would get it...
You smell... give it time it will eventually wear you down and make you paranoid and wash three times a day, just like me.
There are thousands of deaths a year from car accident and only a few hundred from drink driving... So be safe and be sure to heavely drink before you go home.
Friendship is like peein' every1 can see it.....but only u get the warm feelin it givez!!
If i had 2 choose between breathin nd lovin u i would choose......... BREATHIN DUHHH!!!! [LOL]
It is better to be a smart ass rather than a dumbass.
I'm sorry, did you say something? I was too busy ignoring you.
I just saved 15% or more by fleeing the scene of the accident.
The world's greatest minds are found in BackBenchers.
if you have nothing substantial to say ... speak in english
I'm sorry, I can't be mean to you. It's be kind to idiots week
Dream,
as if you'll live forever.
Live,
as if you'll die tomorrow.
off ur hands from ur pant pockets... neways there's nothing inside 'em
I don't drink anymore... but I also don't drink any less
"you're too big for your boots" "then I'll go buy new ones"
"can you point me in the direction to the shops?" "sure, it's at the bottom of that steep pointy ledge"
If u think i'm a fool then u r my inspiration...
One thinks cannibalism to be inhuman--to eat another human. But what the hell happened to 'you are what you eat'?
"If I had to choose between being an airplane and being a bird, I'd pick the plane. They soar as high as the highest birds and they don't crap on people below them in the process."
"Asking persons about themselves and hearing what they don't enjoy is like asking 'Where's the bathroom?' and receiving a dirty diaper."
"It's not whether the glass is full or empty or half, it's acting with the demeanor as if its full and that everyone deserves a glass."
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink... unless you hold his head under and suck it out his ass.
let it not be said to your shame that all was beauty here before you came.
Illiteracy: the genetic disease that gets worse ever generation. -Demi
Im blonde, whats your exuse?
There is no race(humanity) without competition...
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
You can never have too many pillows
12 Ways to reject pick-up lines
1.) Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”
3.) Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
4.) Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: “Want to Dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”
6.) Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
7.) Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.”
8.) And here’s one including the correct snappy return
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized, screw off!”
9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,”Where have you been
all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half
of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”
10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?”
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”
11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes”
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once…
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
“Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!”
She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
12.) “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
God always has the last laugh.
you're so dumb you cant even grow blonde hair
I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
Good friends will bail you out of prison. Best friends will be in the same prison with you.
Put the diaper over his mouth, because that's where all the crap is coming out.
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