Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Graffiti

• Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough


• I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed


• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight


• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me


• All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.


• Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction


• Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!


• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring


• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.


• You simply must stop taking other people's advice.


• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!


• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.


• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.


• Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded.


• A good scare is worth more than good advice.


• Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.


• Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.


• 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.


• Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time


• Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !


• Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.


• Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.


• Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place.


• Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it.


• I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.


• I'm a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!


• We do precision guesswork.


• Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.


• Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.


• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.


• Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.


• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.


• Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.


• Some people think they are generous coz they give away free advice


• The govt is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding govt.


• Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.


• Political language is designed to make lies sound useful and murder respectable.


• The trouble with being the boss is that there's no satisfaction in stealing office supplies.


• I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.


• Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.


• Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess


• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.


• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.


• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.


• Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

The Best of Jerry Seinfeld


  • I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  • What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

  • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  • Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

  • That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

  • There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

  • According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  • Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

  • Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

  • Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

  • Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

  • The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

  • I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

  • To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

  • Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

  • The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

  • Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  • See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

  • What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

  • You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

  • You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

  • Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

  • I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"