Funny Quotes

"Crazy is a relative term in my family!"


"Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "


"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."


"Procrastinate now, don't put it off. "


"Caution, Blind Man Driving. "


"All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.Have a nice day! "


"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. "


"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. "


"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! "


"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. "


"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. "


"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "


"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. "


"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. "


"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. "


"OK, so what's the speed of dark? "


"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. "


"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. "


"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. "


"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. "


"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. "


"I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. "


"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. "


My mechanic told me,"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made your horn louder."


"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. "


"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. "


"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "


"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. "


"Don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"


"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough "


"Smile, and the world will smile with you.
Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs. "


"I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life. "


"Where there's a will, there's a way.And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."


"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."


"The Earth Is Full - Go Home. "


"So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. "


"Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. "


"Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. "


"Illiterate? Write For Help "


"You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! "


"Fight Crime: Shoot Back! "


"Boldly Going Nowhere. "


"Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. "


"Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. "


"GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE. "


"All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. "


"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"


"Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do "


"Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas. "


"Don't regret doing things, regret getting caught "


"None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all "


"Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE "


"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"


"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."


"There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day. "


"The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."


"Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself."


"Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless."


"Love is like heaven but hurts like hell."


"Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".


"You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try."
- Homer J. Simpson.


"Is tuna really Chicken?"
- Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"


"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."



"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."


"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous"



"I'll kill you until you die!!"


"They misunderestimated me!"
-George W. Bush"


"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."


"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"


"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"


"I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight"


"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."


"If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!"


"Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome"


"Consciousness- that annoying time between naps"


"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind
that another man looking at her ass"


"It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!"


"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"


"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... "


"Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster"